Hopeful News

The past few days have been full of hope and healing.  It really helped that my parents were here this weekend as a distraction.  

We went on some nice walks (when it wasn't raining).

And ate lots of good food.

First, our hearts are feeling open and excited about the chance to adopt a baby (it may not be this year, but there's a high probability it's in our future).  Second, we found out that our second embryo (the one that failed to have any DNA in the few cells sent off the first time) was retested and found to be healthy (all 46 chromosomes).  That means we get one more frozen transfer before starting the entire process over.  

We are feeling good about both options for our family.  It will be interesting to see how the next several months play out.

I start birth control again tomorrow so that we can move forward with our second FET (probably happening in July or so).

An example of my skin's reaction to progesterone.

Unfortunately I am reacting badly to the progesterone injections that I stopped several days ago.  I actually started noticing the reaction about 1.5 weeks ago while still doing the shots.  I have rashes and bumps not only at my injection sites but on my arms and legs.  They're super itchy and extremely bumpy.  It's an unfortunate reminder of the failed FET, but I'm feeling positive about our future as parents.

Pregnancy Tests Suck

5-10-16

I was told not to take a home pregnancy test, but I did anyways...TWICE.  Now I get to live with the disappointment of it saying "Not Pregnant" instead of just waiting until Thursday.  I am now emotionally prepared for a no, but angry just the same.  I've so longed for the day where I would finally see the flashing "pregnant" sign.

5-12-16

It's a good thing I was prepared for the worst, because we aren't pregnant with our little girl anymore.  My heart hurts.  I literally collapsed on the floor in tears after the nurse called me at 11:48.  I could tell from the tone of her voice it wasn't going to be good news.  I yelled at God through my tears of frustration.  I felt some peace at times and would then cry from depths I have not cried from before.  I have basically been on an emotional roller coaster all day.  One moment I'm fine, and the next I'm hunched over in tears.  Seeing the sadness and pain on Seth's face today was so hard.  We wanted this little girl so badly.

We received many loving and supportive phone calls, emails, texts, and messages today (even two special cookie deliveries) that have made our hearts feel a little lighter.

*******

After our grieving period, we will figure out what we want to do and when we want to do it.  We are currently set-up to meet our doctor next Friday.

Tomorrow's the Day

Tomorrow morning I go in for blood work to find out if I am pregnant!  If it's positive I go in again on Saturday.  I am really hoping I can surprise Seth for his 30th birthday.  It would be pretty amazing to tell him he's going to be a dad.

Mother's Day

My mom and I on her 1st Mother's Day!

It's a weird feeling thinking this could be my last Mother's Day without having a baby.  I hope my little embryo is comfy and growing right now.  My bum and body are starting to hurt really bad so a growing baby would really take the sting out of that. ;)  

Today I have mixed emotions.  I am so grateful for my mother and the opportunity we have to celebrate the people closest to our hearts (today and on Father's Day), but I also know the sadness that comes with not being able to parent when it's the thing you want most.  The fear and sadness are real feelings, but I also want to hold onto the hope.  We are lucky that we can afford these treatments because our insurance covers more than most.  We are lucky that my body is cooperating with the medication and that it literally just takes one healthy sperm to create an embryo.  We have a lot of good things in our favor, and I don't want to forget the blessings when things seem tough.    

And in honor of our embryo, here are baby pictures of me and Seth:

Seth reading a book.  He would read encyclopedias for fun as a kid.

Me playing the piano.

Embryo R

I've now had the embryo in me for 2 days.  I have felt nauseous, tender breasts, and stomach cramping today which I hope means good things.  I will take nausea and being uncomfortable for the entire pregnancy if it means a healthy baby.  But, to take things 1 week at a time, I am focusing on eating healthy and being gentle on my body this week.  Next week I can worry about the positive pregnancy test.

I also attended an infertility support group for the first time this evening.  It is quite amazing how many different types of infertility and loss women experience.  A couple of the women had losses at 10 and 14 weeks.  One is now pregnant with twins and the other is still struggling to get pregnant.  You really never know what things people are dealing with every day.  

FET Day

Our sweet baby is now safely in me.  It was the most incredible process to watch.  I am so glad Seth was there to video it.  I feel excited and hopeful.  Seth and I are already debating names (we know the baby's gender).  I am amazed at the process.  Because of modern science and technology, we actually have a baby (okay...embryo) in me.  We are both really happy.  

The doctor said it would probably be okay to workout, but he doesn't recommend getting my heartbeat up too high.  He said most people say to wait until after a positive pregnancy test, but he doesn't think it would really matter for me.  He said to help diminish any feelings of blame I may only want to do light exercise.  I'll probably just focus on walking and growing a baby.  I want to be very careful.  I was actually worried about peeing out the embryo.  Ha ha.  They make you go in with a full bladder and have you use the bathroom right after the procedure.

It's kind of funny that we aren't allowed couple time until after a positive pregnancy test though.  This process is all scientific and not so romantic!  Ha! ;) I'll go in next Thursday to get the results.  If they're positive, I go in that Saturday to check again.

To celebrate our embryo making its way into me, we got salads at Chick-fil-a and small oreo shakes before I dropped Seth back off at work.  

This is the parking garage I always park in for my appointments.

The first stop was a blood draw for estrogen and progesterone level check.

This is what happens when you turn drapes into a dress!

Seth opening the Valium I had to take before the procedure.

In the room.  Seth called the stirrups leg roller coasters.

This is where our little embryo was hanging out.  He/She was in a petri dish and defrosted perfectly.

The nurse preparing me for the transfer.  They did a practice run first and then did the real thing.  The real thing took about a minute.

Our embryo is the large white dot in the ultrasound picture.  Our baby is currently the size of a poppy seed!

Quite possibly our first family picture.

The Night Before

Today's post is what I posted on Instagram.  Both explain my feelings on today and tomorrow perfectly.

I currently feel like that wave crashing into the rock. Years of infertility (and the past 4 months of shots) culminate tomorrow morning. We finally get to transfer in our single embryo. I'm excited and nervous, but mostly grateful. I'm glad we made it to this point. I've learned my body and mind can handle more than I ever thought. I feel ready for whatever comes next. We don't know if it will "stick" but I'm sure praying for the chance to finally be pregnant and become a mom. *Photo from my trip to SF at Lands End*

Seth's smart thinking is helping me with all these shots. We have two squares drawn to help guide the shots and I write down the pain level so we know good vs bad spots! I went to Spin this AM so I'm a sweaty mess in the pic, but at least the shot wasn't so bad.