A lot of times I'll hear black and white hard-fast rules. And when someone doesn't fit those rules there can be feelings of shame and inferiority. I've come to learn that the world is not so black and white. In fact, it is mostly gray. Infertility has made me question everything. My sense of self, religion, God, and basic feelings of worth/value.
It's been an interesting few months (years even) with highs and lows. I really try to focus on the bright side of things, and not be a downer. But Seth knows, that more often than I would like to admit, I can be short-tempered and cry. I'll feel sorry for myself with a, "Why me?" attitude. Sometimes I feel a little selfish for being so upset about this struggle when some people have much harder lives with religious persecution, illnesses/diseases, poverty, war-torn countries, etc. But I think we each have unique struggles and challenges that can teach us different things or at least give us compassion and understanding when interacting with others.
We may not get to choose everything that happens to us or the circumstances we are given, but we do have a choice in our reaction.
I actually had a really interesting conversation with my Bishop today. We talked about how even when our testimonies burn down to the ground, we just build back up off the basics we do believe in. He shared how he thinks I am someone special and probably volunteered to experience some of these challenges I have in my life (not just infertility related). I told him how I've really struggled finding my place in church since family is the priority and focus. It can make church very isolating and depressing when you're not living up to the ideal. Some of the things said by him were very personal and made me feel like God loved me.
I am still figuring things out and finding my whys to life (and most times I don't think there is ever an answer to why), but what I think everyone wants in life is to be loved and accepted. There are so many options and opportunities in life that make living up to an impossible perfection unbearable. So instead I'm choosing to do my best, encourage others to do their best, and love people no matter what.
Your bishop is right: you are definitely someone special. I'm constantly amazed by your strength in the face of challenges. Love you, Carlie!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful reflection you share with us. It is true that we all have different challenges and we need to be compassionate with one another. You are very accepting and kind. People are drawn to you because of that love you have for others. I am glad your Bishop talked with you. He is very inspired. I look up to you and Seth so much! You two can handle anything life throws at you together. Glad you can share your feelings and help others of us too. Love and admire you so much! Mom
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a powerful personal testimony. I totally agree with everything you said. You continue to impress me with depth of wisdom and experience. Love, Dad
ReplyDeleteI love this so much Carlie. I'm struggling with my faith right now because of our almost 6 years of infertility. Thabk you for sharing your thoughts and your conversation with your bishop. It definitely gives me something to think about -Shelby
ReplyDeleteCarlie I have admired your openness and your willingness to share your experiences. You are such a strong person, I totally agree with your bishop that you probably volunteered to do the hard stuff! Probably because you knew in the end that it would refine you and make you into the person you truly want to become. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DIIgm6xABQ This video came to mind as I read your post. Love you lots girl! Tons of blessings must be in store for you!
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