Round 3 Calendar

My first calendar compared to the new one.  See how much less time it's taking?  The last process was about 3 months.

I got my new calendar today!  It is so different than our first round and much shorter too!  I am so happy we are not wasting time and we're actually getting the ball rolling.  If all goes well, I should transfer in two embryos sometime between the 16th and 18th of June.  If we had done the FET, I wouldn't have been transferring until the first week of July so this is a huge step forward!

My friend, Aubree, sent me this bracelet and it arrived in the mail today.  I think it's going to be my good luck charm!

Change of Plans

I had a very emotional morning.  Lots of tears and cursing.  Ha.  It seriously felt like God was just letting one more bad thing happen to add to the several others over the past couple weeks.

I got a phone call on my way into the grocery store saying that our insurance coverage for infertility treatments would be ending after this third cycle.  I was shocked.  What did they mean "third"?

Well, apparently they count the retrieval, FET 1, and FET 2 as three separate ART cycles.  I was crushed.  I didn't want to lose out on having any more kids.  This process would go from costing us around $5,000 to $20,000+.  I ugly-cried all the way home.  The people in the cars next to me probably thought I found out someone just died.

My new nurse (who is absolutely awesome) called me within minutes of me sending her an email explaining my frustration.  She told me to come to the office because the head finance/insurance guy for the clinic (as well as my doctor) were in this morning.

I met with Nodler and we discussed all the options.  They had only submitted pre-approval paperwork for FET #2.  That meant we could go a different route for our third cycle.  So instead of doing an FET (which we can pay for on our own for "only" $5,000) we are going to use the last cycle to do a fresh cycle (which is $20,000, but now will cost us much, much less).  This way we can get more eggs and create as many embryos as possible!  We will transfer in a couple fresh embryos so that hopefully one sticks.  That will all be covered for our final insurance cycle.  We then will freeze any extra embryos created and CCS them.  I will hopefully be pregnant with one and have at least the current frozen embryo and any leftover embryos frozen to use in a couple years when we want more kids.  

A weight finally started lifting off my chest.  I felt a little bad for being so upset when maybe this is what God wanted to happen so we can have more embryos created at less out-of-pocket cost.  

I actually was so upset and cried so hard I had a terrible migraine that lasted all afternoon.

Look how long those needles are.  The blue ones actually go in my toosh.  The pink are used for mixing (they're thicker).

My special order progesterone in ethyl oleate arrived today.  With it costing $210, I'm glad I will still get use out of it.  Hopefully I'll be in a lot less pain since I'll be taking half the normal dosage plus only getting the shot every other day!

A Short Adoption Story

The night we found out our FET was unsuccessful I decided to look up adoption agencies.  We've previously discussed adoption but didn't think it would be near-term. But the day after we got the bad news (Friday), I had the feeling that I would only adopt if someone specifically asked me to. 

To my surprise, a few hours later I received an email on Facebook from a birth-mother about a little boy due in September.  I thought this was God's hand guiding this little boy to us.  

I spent hours researching and talking to people to get their insight on adoption (the process, their experience--both adopting and being adopted--costs, timing, etc.).  After several emails, phone calls and texts, we decided to meet up with the birth-mother in Dallas.  I thought everything was going pretty smoothly.  

Since there are multiple steps in completing an adoption, we went ahead and set up a home study for July, and our social worker and attorney were picked out too. We were getting the ball rolling on our end so we'd be all squared away.

I was so surprised and amazed at the turn of events and started to wonder if I should delay our next FET (the two babies due dates would only be 6 months apart).  We decided to press forward with both. A baby in hand is worth two in the belly? No, that's not it... but we thought it would be nice to have this set of "Irish Twins," even if atypical. After waiting so many years for kids, why not welcome both bundles of joy, even if close in proximity.

I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up, but it's hard not to when you really want something.  We only really knew about this September baby for a couple weeks, but I felt like it was meant to be (timing, serendipity, etc.).  

Of course, the best-laid plans rarely go as expected.  And things sometimes don't work out--and it seems like now things won't work out with this adoption, as the birth-mother has relocated to another state all of a sudden and seems to be interested in using another agency. 

Not sure her reasoning but it's her life and her decision. We would certainly have cherished the opportunity to welcome this baby into our family, but we can't force anything to happen.

It's getting harder to stay positive when all I really want to do is yell a swear word (or two or more!).  Though, maybe it would help me move on.  Ha ha.  I feel like my heart has had enough pain and sorrow to last the rest of the year.  

Update

New Calendar 

On June 1st I start my next round of shots!  I am so looking forward to being done with birth control.  My mood has been super off!  I'm cranky and just feeling blah.  At the meeting with my doctor last week we decided to change up the types of medicine and shots I will do and I also got a new nurse.  Since I had such a severe reaction to the progesterone in sesame oil I am going to take it in ethyloleate.  It is supposed to be less thick.  I will also only be doing the shots every other day and it will be half the dosage each time too.  I am really hoping I don't get the rashes like I did last time. My bum is still sensitive (especially while doing Spin).  I ordered all my medicine today so we are getting close to go time!

BC Makes Me Moody

I already feel my body responding to the BC hormones, and it's only been 2 days.

As a sweet surprise, we received a nice bunch of flowers from Megan.  It's been humbling to be on the receiving end of so many nice emails, messages, texts, calls, and gifts.

I'm still dealing with rashes from the progesterone so I'm very curious what the doctor is going to say about my next round of FET drugs.  Crossing my fingers for a pill!

Hopeful News

The past few days have been full of hope and healing.  It really helped that my parents were here this weekend as a distraction.  

We went on some nice walks (when it wasn't raining).

And ate lots of good food.

First, our hearts are feeling open and excited about the chance to adopt a baby (it may not be this year, but there's a high probability it's in our future).  Second, we found out that our second embryo (the one that failed to have any DNA in the few cells sent off the first time) was retested and found to be healthy (all 46 chromosomes).  That means we get one more frozen transfer before starting the entire process over.  

We are feeling good about both options for our family.  It will be interesting to see how the next several months play out.

I start birth control again tomorrow so that we can move forward with our second FET (probably happening in July or so).

An example of my skin's reaction to progesterone.

Unfortunately I am reacting badly to the progesterone injections that I stopped several days ago.  I actually started noticing the reaction about 1.5 weeks ago while still doing the shots.  I have rashes and bumps not only at my injection sites but on my arms and legs.  They're super itchy and extremely bumpy.  It's an unfortunate reminder of the failed FET, but I'm feeling positive about our future as parents.

Pregnancy Tests Suck

5-10-16

I was told not to take a home pregnancy test, but I did anyways...TWICE.  Now I get to live with the disappointment of it saying "Not Pregnant" instead of just waiting until Thursday.  I am now emotionally prepared for a no, but angry just the same.  I've so longed for the day where I would finally see the flashing "pregnant" sign.

5-12-16

It's a good thing I was prepared for the worst, because we aren't pregnant with our little girl anymore.  My heart hurts.  I literally collapsed on the floor in tears after the nurse called me at 11:48.  I could tell from the tone of her voice it wasn't going to be good news.  I yelled at God through my tears of frustration.  I felt some peace at times and would then cry from depths I have not cried from before.  I have basically been on an emotional roller coaster all day.  One moment I'm fine, and the next I'm hunched over in tears.  Seeing the sadness and pain on Seth's face today was so hard.  We wanted this little girl so badly.

We received many loving and supportive phone calls, emails, texts, and messages today (even two special cookie deliveries) that have made our hearts feel a little lighter.

*******

After our grieving period, we will figure out what we want to do and when we want to do it.  We are currently set-up to meet our doctor next Friday.

Tomorrow's the Day

Tomorrow morning I go in for blood work to find out if I am pregnant!  If it's positive I go in again on Saturday.  I am really hoping I can surprise Seth for his 30th birthday.  It would be pretty amazing to tell him he's going to be a dad.

Mother's Day

My mom and I on her 1st Mother's Day!

It's a weird feeling thinking this could be my last Mother's Day without having a baby.  I hope my little embryo is comfy and growing right now.  My bum and body are starting to hurt really bad so a growing baby would really take the sting out of that. ;)  

Today I have mixed emotions.  I am so grateful for my mother and the opportunity we have to celebrate the people closest to our hearts (today and on Father's Day), but I also know the sadness that comes with not being able to parent when it's the thing you want most.  The fear and sadness are real feelings, but I also want to hold onto the hope.  We are lucky that we can afford these treatments because our insurance covers more than most.  We are lucky that my body is cooperating with the medication and that it literally just takes one healthy sperm to create an embryo.  We have a lot of good things in our favor, and I don't want to forget the blessings when things seem tough.    

And in honor of our embryo, here are baby pictures of me and Seth:

Seth reading a book.  He would read encyclopedias for fun as a kid.

Me playing the piano.

Embryo R

I've now had the embryo in me for 2 days.  I have felt nauseous, tender breasts, and stomach cramping today which I hope means good things.  I will take nausea and being uncomfortable for the entire pregnancy if it means a healthy baby.  But, to take things 1 week at a time, I am focusing on eating healthy and being gentle on my body this week.  Next week I can worry about the positive pregnancy test.

I also attended an infertility support group for the first time this evening.  It is quite amazing how many different types of infertility and loss women experience.  A couple of the women had losses at 10 and 14 weeks.  One is now pregnant with twins and the other is still struggling to get pregnant.  You really never know what things people are dealing with every day.  

FET Day

Our sweet baby is now safely in me.  It was the most incredible process to watch.  I am so glad Seth was there to video it.  I feel excited and hopeful.  Seth and I are already debating names (we know the baby's gender).  I am amazed at the process.  Because of modern science and technology, we actually have a baby (okay...embryo) in me.  We are both really happy.  

The doctor said it would probably be okay to workout, but he doesn't recommend getting my heartbeat up too high.  He said most people say to wait until after a positive pregnancy test, but he doesn't think it would really matter for me.  He said to help diminish any feelings of blame I may only want to do light exercise.  I'll probably just focus on walking and growing a baby.  I want to be very careful.  I was actually worried about peeing out the embryo.  Ha ha.  They make you go in with a full bladder and have you use the bathroom right after the procedure.

It's kind of funny that we aren't allowed couple time until after a positive pregnancy test though.  This process is all scientific and not so romantic!  Ha! ;) I'll go in next Thursday to get the results.  If they're positive, I go in that Saturday to check again.

To celebrate our embryo making its way into me, we got salads at Chick-fil-a and small oreo shakes before I dropped Seth back off at work.  

This is the parking garage I always park in for my appointments.

The first stop was a blood draw for estrogen and progesterone level check.

This is what happens when you turn drapes into a dress!

Seth opening the Valium I had to take before the procedure.

In the room.  Seth called the stirrups leg roller coasters.

This is where our little embryo was hanging out.  He/She was in a petri dish and defrosted perfectly.

The nurse preparing me for the transfer.  They did a practice run first and then did the real thing.  The real thing took about a minute.

Our embryo is the large white dot in the ultrasound picture.  Our baby is currently the size of a poppy seed!

Quite possibly our first family picture.

The Night Before

Today's post is what I posted on Instagram.  Both explain my feelings on today and tomorrow perfectly.

I currently feel like that wave crashing into the rock. Years of infertility (and the past 4 months of shots) culminate tomorrow morning. We finally get to transfer in our single embryo. I'm excited and nervous, but mostly grateful. I'm glad we made it to this point. I've learned my body and mind can handle more than I ever thought. I feel ready for whatever comes next. We don't know if it will "stick" but I'm sure praying for the chance to finally be pregnant and become a mom. *Photo from my trip to SF at Lands End*

Seth's smart thinking is helping me with all these shots. We have two squares drawn to help guide the shots and I write down the pain level so we know good vs bad spots! I went to Spin this AM so I'm a sweaty mess in the pic, but at least the shot wasn't so bad.